


Christmas Crack

by johnnysmitten



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Christmas Crack, Crack, M/M, Thranduil likes his wine, sassy thranduil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 13:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5588074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnysmitten/pseuds/johnnysmitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack Prompt.<br/>Bard finding Thranduil in a mess on the floor with the Christmas lights.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Crack

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a title for this.  
> I was bored and asked for crack prompts and this is the result.

“Oakenshield!!!” Thranduil yelled, barely out of his front door. _Fuck, better slow down,_ he told himself as he realized just how slippery the front step really was. It would be best not to fall on his ass in front of his idiot neighbor. “Stop piling all the snow from your driveway onto my lawn! Put it on your own side!”

Thranduil crossed his arms, giving Thorin his signature icy glare. It always helped boost Thranduil’s confidence when he got to give Thorin Oakenshield a piece of his mind. What a feeling of superiority; he felt electric! Thorin would never reach this level of sass. Thranduil flipped his long blonde hair for added effect, which caused the stout man to huff and roll his eyes.

“It’s snow, Thranduil. It will eventually melt, so calm down!” Thorin growled, ignoring the snarky look the blonde was giving him.

“It will take half as long to melt because of all the extra snow from you!” Thranduil put his hands on his hips, giving off the true diva stance.

“Bugger off!”

“Ruining my plants!”

“They’re already dead!”

“You know who else is going to be dead!” Thranduil yelled, still managing to keep his composure as he turned to go back in the house. There was nothing better than having the last word.

“Fucking high maintenance bitch.” Thorin grumbled under his breath, continuing to shovel the slushy snow onto Thranduil’s lawn without so much as looking up.

“Seriously!” Thranduil groaned, going back inside and slamming the door harder than was necessary.

“Whoa, what was that about, Ada?” Legolas asked, as he set down yet another box of Christmas decorations that he had hauled up from the storage room in the basement.

“Just Oakenshield being an ass, as per usual.” Thranduil said, kicking off his shoes as he made his way into the open space of the living room which was now packed with an overabundance of Christmas decorations.

Really, they did not need this much stuff, but Thranduil could not bring himself to get rid of any of it. Legolas always made fun of him for his tendency to hold on to material possessions, calling him a ‘hoarder’. Thranduil cringed thinking about that word. He was not a hoarder. The only thing Thranduil hoarded was hair products.

The 9 foot tree that Thranduil had picked out last week was now in place and ready to be decorated. It was December 23rd and on this night Bard and his three children would be coming over for their first Christmas celebration with Thranduil and Legolas.

Just the thought of all the work that needed to be done caused Thranduil to let out an exasperated sigh. How would he possibly get everything done in time? He was much more stressed than was usual for someone like him. He really wanted to make everything perfect for Bard and his kids.

Bard did not live his life like Thranduil did. No luxuries, no frivolous spending. Bard was of a very different class than Thranduil, so for the blonde it was important to make Bard feel comfortable but still spoil him at the same time. Thranduil wanted to give Bard the Christmas he never got to have. No more Charlie Brown trees.

Legolas seemed to be moving around the house in an organized frenzy, back and forth from room to room with boxes that he kept piling in the large living room. Thranduil started opening the boxes just as Legolas had scurried out of the room for the hundredth time that morning.

“Legolas, I’ll need you to get the reindeer out of the garage, please! They need to go on the lawn before Bard arrives this afternoon.” Thranduil called out to his son. “Everything must be perfect.” He said, smiling to himself.

“Yes, Ada! Anything else?”

“Grab me some wine from the cabinet, will you?”

“Ada, it’s 10 a.m.---” Legolas said, head emerging from around the corner, as he gave Thranduil a look of pure shock.

“So?” Thranduil deadpanned.

“Okay, then. Hold on.” Legolas sighed in defeat, darting back into the kitchen.

“Actually, ‘Las…bring the vodka too!”

“Vodka?!?!” Legolas shrieked. Thranduil grinned to himself at the high pitched sound of his son’s voice. He sounded like a 12 year old girl rather than a 17 year old boy.

“Ada just needs a shot to calm his nerves.”

“Only one, Ada.” Legolas cautioned, reappearing before his father with a bottle of wine in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. “You don’t want to be sloshed when our guests arrive.”

“Oh, psh! I’ll be fine. You know I can handle my liquor.”

“Yes, yes. Vodka for breakfast, vodka for lunch!” Legolas chimed, putting on a horrible Russian accent.

“We are Swedish, ‘Las. Get it right.”

“Whatever, Ada. Just please don’t get drunk.”

 “I will do no such thing!” Thranduil said in his most assuring tone but Legolas only rolled his eyes in response and made his way outside to most likely get the reindeer out of the garage. Thranduil was glad his son was so easy going and helpful. He knew he’d never be able to get all this done without Legolas.

Thranduil turned on the radio because Christmas decorating just was not the same without the music. He needed to get into the spirit so it would help him work faster.

Thranduil worked quickly, dancing along to some of the better songs and bitching when the ones he hated came on. Legolas had set up the reindeer on the lawn and was now sitting on the couch watching Thranduil unpack the tree ornaments.

“Ada, you should finish the garland on the mantle before you start on the tree.” Legolas said.

“Don’t be a smart ass. I’m multitasking. It will all get done.”

“Right…”

Thranduil poured himself a second glass of wine before Legolas sprung up from the couch to grab the vodka bottle and head off to the kitchen with it.

“Legolas, you best not drink any of that.” Thranduil warned.

“I’m not. I’m just keeping it out of your sight!”

“Don’t make me feel like an alcoholic, Legolas.”

“You’re not far off, Ada.” Legolas laughed, skipping back into the living room with the wreath to put on the front door.

“Oh, the wreath! It should’ve been put up days ago!”

“I’m gonna do it now.” Legolas said. “Now stop dancing, Ada, or you’ll never get anything done.”

“I will dance if I feel like it.”

“You look ridiculous.” Legolas groaned.

“I’m a wonderful dancer. Just ask Bard. He loves my dancing.”

“Ew. I don’t need to know.” Legolas huffed, making his way outside with the wreath around his neck like a scarf.

“Put it up straight, ‘Las. Make sure it won’t fall down when we close the door.”

“It won’t fall down. Just don’t slam the door anymore.”

Thranduil grinned to himself as he took another long sip from his wine glass. He really did enjoy his banter with his son. It always made him smile knowing that his son was just as big a sass master as he was.

The comfort of the couch quickly called out to Thranduil so he took a seat and finished off his glass of wine as he let himself sink into the soft plush pillows. He closed his eyes for a moment and let himself think of Bard.

He and Bard had been together for almost a year now and had plans of moving in together when the weather permitted. Bard and his kids would be coming to live at Thranduil’s house, seeing as it would be large enough to house the lot of them. There was lots of place for the kids to play. A large backyard, a swimming pool. A wonderful park just across the street.

Thranduil also let his mind wander to what he and Bard might get up to after all the kids were in bed. He smirked and poured more wine in his glass, liking the little buzz he had going on. After he downed his third glass of wine, he stood back up and continued unpacking more ornaments.

“This blasted song!” Thranduil bitched when that Mariah Carey song came on the radio. He hated her horrible whining. He changed the station just as Legolas emerged through the doorway.

“Wreath is up!” Legolas announced.

“Good job, son.”

“Want me to help?”

“No, no. I’m fine.” Thranduil said, waving his hand in the air dramatically.

“Okay then.

“Oh! You can do one thing. I want you to go to Bard’s and distract them until I tell you it’s safe to come back.”

“Okay…”

“You know how Bard is. He’ll show up early for no reason and I’ll still have a mess.”

“Yeah, Ada. It’s a disaster in here.”

“Don’t remind me.” Thranduil groaned. “It’s coming along though…”

“Not really. All you’re doing is dancing and drinking.”

“That’s not true. I’m dancing, drinking and decorating!” Triple threat, Legolas. Better watch out.”

“Yeah, yeah. So you want me to go now? It’s not even noon.”

“We can have lunch first.”

Thranduil made sandwiches for himself and his son, quite slowly to be honest. Despite telling Legolas he would not get drunk, he was definitely feeling something. Thranduil fumbled around with the condiments, spreading mayo on the sandwiches in a sloppy manner.

“I think it’s affecting you.” Legolas said, raising his eyebrows at Thranduil who had just let the head of lettuce roll of the counter and onto the floor.

“Good thing we’re clean, right ‘Las?”

“Yes, Ada. We could eat off the floor.”

Just then the phone rang causing Thranduil to jump and drop the knife onto the floor as well. He rushed over and grabbed the phone off the hook, glaring at Legolas who hadn’t bothered to make a move to get the phone.

“You could’ve gotten it, Legolas!” Thranduil grumbled before hitting the ‘talk’ button. “Hello?”

“Hey beautiful” came the voice from the other end.

“Bard!”

“How’s the love of my life doing today? Almost ready?”

“Soon! Just making things perfect for you, my love.”

Legolas rolled his eyes and got up to continue making the sandwiches that Thranduil had failed at. Thranduil would be the first to admit that he was not the best chef in the world. Normally, he didn’t even bother trying. He enjoyed eating out most nights.

“Things are already perfect, babe.” Bard said. Thranduil could hear his smile.

“You’re already perfect.” Thranduil cooed into the phone as Legolas mouthed the words _“ew, gross”_ at him before sitting down to eat his sandwich.

“You’re too sweet, Thran. So what time should we head over?”

“Legolas is going to go pick you up. I expect you to stay the night, yes?”

“Of course. I couldn’t say no to a night in bed with you.”

“I can never resist you in my bed.” Thranduil drawled.

“EW, ADA! Seriously! I’m right here!” Legolas yelled, probably loud enough for Bard to hear.

Bard laughed and Thranduil told him Legolas would be by shortly to fetch them before making kissy sounds into the receiver and hanging up.

“You’re so gross, Ada.”

‘Don’t be embarrassed of me.”

“I don’t want to hear you talking about bedroom activities while I’m around. Like I said, I DO NOT need to know.”

“I have to hear your bedroom activities with Aragorn every weekend, ‘Las…”

“Oh my God!!! Ada, stop!!!” Legolas yelled. Thranduil could see the blush forming on his son’s cheeks and laughed to himself at his ability to get Legolas so worked up.

Thranduil ate his sandwich quickly, corralling Legolas out of the house to go and distract Bard and the kids for a few hours.

“We’ll be back in 2 hours, Ada. Is that enough time?”

“That will be fine.” Thranduil said, setting the elk figurines onto the mantle.

“Okay, don’t dance too much.”

“Don’t worry about me.” Thranduil said flippantly.

After Legolas left Thranduil thought he would be able to get things done quicker, but instead he ended up taking far longer than planned. He had finished the mantle, put out all the decorations in the kitchen, foyer and living room and now all that was left was the tree.

As he was digging around in the boxes, which were still strewn about the floor in an untidy fashion, he found his old elf hat which he pulled out with a grin and placed on his head.

“Ha!” he laughed out loud when he looked in the mirror. What a stupid hat.

Thranduil had started on a casserole as he was decorating and he quickly put it in the oven as he poured himself yet another glass of wine. The casserole would be done by the time everyone arrived and he was rather pleased with himself at being able to get it done. Hopefully it would taste alright and not like dirt, as Legolas usually described his meals.

‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ came on the radio and Thranduil let his body become possessed by the music. He got so caught up in his own absurd dancing that he barely realized what time it was. He continued drinking his wine and literally rocking around the tree, embracing and dancing with a huge plush Santa. He cranked the music to full volume, secretly hoping it would be loud enough to piss off Thorin next door.

Thranduil was up on the step ladder when it happened. He was attempting to string twinkling lights around the perimeter of the room when the fire alarm began wailing at him, telling him his casserole was burning.

_OH SHIT!_

He quickly made to jump off the step ladder, but somehow got caught up in the lights that had ended up twisted around his body. He tripped and landed on top of the plush Santa with a thud as he heard the front door open.

Gasps all around.

Thranduil gave up. He didn’t move. He just lay there on top of Santa and closed his eyes in defeat. Christmas had won. He had lost.

“Thran!” He heard Bard yelling from the door, his voice drowned out by the loud music and the shrieking of the fire alarm.

He could hear Legolas and Bard’s kids laughing hysterically in the background as he felt Bard’s hands cupping his face. Thranduil sighed. He must have looked ridiculous, all wound up in the lights, elf hat on his head, spread out on top of the large belly of plush Santa. What a sorry sight.

Bard was chuckling lightly and Thranduil felt a pair of soft lips press onto his.

“Oh, my poor adorable Christmas elf.” Bard laughed, kissing Thranduil over and over between his giggles. “Are you alright?”

“Just decided to take a nap.” Thranduil teased, pulling Bard closer so he could deepen their kiss.

“THRANDUIL! TURN OFF THAT RACKET!!!!” Thorin yelled. How on earth did Thorin end up in the house?!

Thranduil let the huge grin take over his face, knowing that Christmas may have defeated him, but he earned a victory when it came to pissing off Thorin.

He grabbed Bard’s ass and pulled his boyfriend on top of him, continuing to kiss him furiously.

Not even the chorus of ‘ _ewwww_ ‘s’ from the kids could stop him now.

This was what Christmas was about after all. Giving.

And Thranduil was going to give Bard the best gift possible that night. A gift only he could give.

**Author's Note:**

> wink wink  
> nudge nudge


End file.
